Is online dating practicable?

(First please forgive me for posting a long article on forum. It’s a long story.)

When I begin to write this, I think I am finally over him. But still there are things puzzle me so much. Player? Yes; Player? No… I really don’t know if he was a player or not. I have been on this website for a while (a long while) and there is another question keeps popping up: Is online dating practicable?

I met this man on CLM. I thought he might be the right one for me when I first read his profile. Well-educated (PhD), a professor, much older than me (Age is not a problem as long as he is not old as my grandpa), ordinary looking but exotic in my eyes. I was attracted, maybe because plenty of learning did breed elegant nature, maybe because I knew he would come to China to teach soon. Of course I didn’t want to waste time on someone who would never come to me or me come to him. So I thought maybe this one was real. We kept writing to each other every other day, or every two or three days. For 6 months, we talked about family, life experiences, travel, music, food, daily life, even giving pet names… I really thought we had a lot in common. When the time for his visit to China came near, I felt he was reluctant to reply my emails. He explained that he found my emails in his junk mail folder and he usually delete without checking and I believed. When finally an email came told me that he was in Beijing already, I said: “Wow, unbelievable!”. But I kind of felt my excitement met with coldness. I told him that I felt he was so near, yet so far. He explained he had no internet access in his apartment and he had 1000 things to do and he was at a Starbucks writing me an email and this time I really doubted, because he was the invited visiting professor at this famous university in China.

At the season of fall, I got his last email, here I would post a part. No matter how optimistic I was about online dating, somehow I became really pessimistic about it after this email.

The problem is for me, I think that online communication gives incomplete information about a person, and there are many other things that also matter (maybe little things, but they can add up), but you can only tell by meeting someone in person, sometimes for an extended period of time. It's nobody's fault, but sometimes people turn out to be a little different from what you expect from online correspondence. I've had two experiences already that are like that. There's been no deception involved; it's just that merely writing, or talking, and seeing photos doesn't tell you everything about them. You have to interact with someone in everyday situations. Situations that are a little stressful can be revealing, for example. Or else there can be habits that a person has that someone else may find a little annoying. One or two little things don't matter, but there can be personality conflicts that mean that it won't work.

My situation is different from yours. I'm searching for a Chinese woman, but I now live in a city with millions of them. You are looking for a Western man, and you have no choice but to search online. I have no-one at the moment, but you should understand that from my point of view, it makes sense for me to meet women in person, date them, get to know them, and then move on if it doesn't work out. It's a faster and more natural process than online "dating"; I think it gives me a greater chance of finding someone that I believe is right for me.

I have always felt at ease with you, and you always say things that are sensible, and you have the right attitude towards life. That's why I have never wanted to end our correspondence, but you are also right that I feel a little distant from you. just that you are a long way away, and our only means of interacting is by writing (or talking).


I don’t remember how many times I read this email. My response was not calm at all. I cried and told my mother I wanted to quit my job here to go to Beijing. I didn’t tell her why and she told me to calm down to wait for a right time. She didn’t ask the reason because I kept telling her now and then that I wanted to quit my job to leave for Beijing (My favorite city despite its grey sky.). For a half year, I was focusing on this man (Bren warned us to protect our heart before actually meeting someone, but sometimes you just couldn’t help yourself.). I just couldn’t understand why it took so long a time to tell me that he might never meet me and that online dating is impracticable.

When I asked if he (originally from another country) had an accent and he told me I would be very amused by his *** + American accent in Chinese , I certainly was amused; When he told me he was leaving for a conference, where to stay for the night and when he was going to come back, I was so happy that he would tell me about the small things in his life. When I told him I was decorating an apartment on 9th floor, he told me “I’m afraid that your story about moving apartment strained my overworked brain just a little bit… I love living high up with a view… ”, I felt his words so sweet even though I was not quite fully understand them.
We talked about swimming and I told him I kind of felt I was so close to being able to swim, because I could swim a long distance at one breath but the problem was I didn’t know how to breath. He really laughed when he heard this. (Now I also feel funny too because it’s not easy to learn to swim. I learned in a week and swallowed the swimming-pool water several times, for each swallow of the pool water my coach charged me 10 Yuan). I knew he was working hard on learning Chinese characters. so I told him I still thought learning Chinese characters was much harder than learning to swim, but he disagreed, so we made a bet. I had to swim 200m without stopping and he should learn 2000 Chinese characters. We discussed about what kind of punishment for the one who didn’t keep promise and we agreed on Running up 200 steps without stopping. Later I learned breaststroke but I was not sure about 200m non-stop, but no one got punished. I guess he might make it 2000 Chinese characters, because he was such an eager learner. For half a year I thought he would come to me. Actually he was just pointing out to lead me to think he was going to meet me. Anyway I should thank him for his inspiration, I did learn breaststroke that summer. And it’ was strange that no matter how much I wanted to learn freestyle the next summer, I just could not make it.

It took me a long time to come out of this. I had bought dozens of English books on Chinese culture and tourism before he came to China and I never got the chance to send to him. I realized afterwards that we actually never talked on phone or Yahoo, or MSN. The only email address he gave me was from his university website. (I guess we all learn from experience. Now if someone gave me email like this other than Yahoo, MSN, I would doubt his sincerity). I never doubted it because I believed I would meet him and get to know him in person soon. I knew it sound stupid but for the following few months I checked out about his info online at night basically every night. I got his address and his phone number in China online. I even thought about a surprise visit to him on the campus, which I didn’t do. But I did call him to hear his voice and I snapped off when I heard a voice say “Hello”. I guess he would think someone dialed the wrong number which happened often.

I could not blame him for being so practical, as he is a professor of philosophy (Romantic philosophers please don’t take offence.). I just could not understand why he only told me his thoughts in his last email after 6 months’ correspondence. I also could not understand why when I told him I wanted to apply for a volunteer-teacher job teaching Chinese in North Carolina, he told me America was a lonely place unless I already had relatives or friends there. I never wanted to think he was a player, but somewhat I kept thinking he was. He totally shook my faith in online dating. But as he said, I had no choice but to search online for the one.
And the longer I stay here, the less faith I have. Is online dating practicable? Or is online love possible?

Hi Bridget. What an incredible and sad story. I feel very bad for you, but I think you're mistaken to feel that this gives cause to doubt that online dating is practicable. What isn't practicable is to think that you can fall in love and plan a future until you have physically met some one. Online dating is simply a means of meeting people who you could never otherwise meet, and it is an incredibly practicable means of doing that. But it is just the first step in the process of falling in love and developing a lifelong relationship. There are many steps to be taken after meeting online before a true relationship can be established.

As you so clearly indicate, what is so sad is that this man didn't declare his feelings in the beginning. If he knew that once he was in China and surrounded by millions of Chinese women he would have no need of your attention, then he should have stated that from the start. It was cruel of him to lead you on if he did not intend to meet you when he came to China. If he did intend to meet you but then changed his mind for some reason then it was cruel of him to make up this excuse instead of telling you the real reason and helping you understand and learn from what changed his mind.

Online dating should be used as a tool to meet people and to weed out the ones you don't care to go further with by way of a real face to face meeting. My own feeling is that he should have either planned to meet you when he arrived, or he should have told you within weeks of meeting you online that he would not be meeting you face to face when he arrived. As it was he wasted your time in a pretty callous way.

I'm sorry that happened to you, but probably it is his loss and your gain. Don't give up on online dating or on CLM, just remember that it is a tool for meeting. And it is a very practicable tool judging by the number of people who are getting together and ultimately forming long lasting relationships on this site. We only post success stories where the couple actually provide their story and some photos, but we have received letters and profile comments in the hundreds telling us that couples have met and married thanks to CLM and ALM.

Be patient. You're too nice and attractive a lady (and your English is too good) for you to fail. Sometimes bad things happen for good reasons. Probably the reason he turned out to be such a disappointment was to make way for your perfect match, who will be finding you soon. Love is always just around the next corner - don't give up.

First, I am sorry for the pain you went through and hope as you say you are now over it or at least on the road to recovery. Being able to write what you did is a good sign that you are.

It sounds like you gave your heart and hope to someone who seemed to give you no indication that he was willing to reciprocate. This is always a danger. It sounds like you two may have had a different idea about your correspondence. He may have just viewed you as a friend while you obviously had something more in mind. The fact that he only told you these thoughts after six months is probably because you never asked or it was simply not an issue. Perhaps you could have cleared up this misunderstanding earlier. You could have asked if he was serious about having a relationship with a Chinese woman and he could have told you yes but that he wanted to live in the same city with a woman he was dating. Although some men will deceive you on this point, it sounds like this guy was pretty straight forward and would probably have told you of his requirement to live in the same city with any potential mate and to get to know them on a daily basis. I should say as well that this sentiment is one probably most Western men share.

I would urge men here to realize that an extended communication with a Chinese woman is likely to be taken by her as a sign of serious interest on your part. And I would ask men to act responsibly in this matter. On the other hand I would ask Chinese women to realize men may just be communicating for a number of different reasons, only one of which is a serious interest in love.

As to your question. If the question is, is online dating by itself enough to allow you to get married and live happily ever after, I suspect the answer is “no.” If the question is can it be a step in the process, I think the answer is, yes, but it won’t be easy.
But then again, love rarely is.

Bridget,

First of all, I am a guy. Your story made me mad...at that man. I am going to summarize what happened, based upon the facts you presented. I am not going to sugar coat this, as I feel this guy and people like him need to be exposed.

You and the man formed a friendship online...an intimate one with pet names, sharing daily life experiences, etc. You were exotic to him because he was still in HIS country. He may have genuinely cared for you during this period. But then he moved to China...

This is the line that says the most about his character: "I'm searching for a Chinese woman, but I now live in a city with millions of them."

When he landed in China, he probably felt like a kid in a candy store. So many choices of women! And being that now he is the "exotic" one, the women are lining up to date him...for no other reason other than "he's rare".

So, being the insensitive person that he is, he forgot about you amidst this gigantic sea of opportunity. Was he wrong? Of course he was. He used you for friendship during his lonely time, and now he is surrounded by continuous adoration.

There are many words to describe such a man in the English language. Most are 3 or 4 letter words which I will not repeat here.

Forget about that clown. I hope he gets his just rewards for his misdeeds.

Now let me give you some encouragement. As bad as that situation was, guess what? Guys get dumped and "chucked" in the online dating game too. I personally got my heart shredded when I thought a woman liked me, but it turns out she had no interest. I wanted to come visit her, and she acted like she could care less. I was puzzled for months about this. I still scratch my head about it.

It happens to guys too. And it hurts like hell for a guy just as much as a woman.

What is the solution then? Online dating is not for the meek or the timid. I had no idea when I first joined CLM what it would entail. You have to be strong emotionally. You will get dumped from time to time, or you may misinterpret what another person says. I wouldn't call it a "game", but it is indeed a challenge of sorts.

And nothing beats meeting the other person...in physical real life. I have had women explain to me that "nothing is serious until we meet". There is a lot of truth to this. It's all virtual until the real meeting happens.

Bridget, I know it is hard. Stop thinking about that man. I know your chats with him haunt you, as some of the chats I had with a certain lady still haunt me. But it is better to let go and move on. There are plenty of other good guys out there who won't "freak out" when surrounded by more opportunity.

And another thing...you really are better off because he would have cheated on you. If he can't keep it in his pants now, you think he will when he gets married? You are way better off without him. Keep looking for the RIGHT guy. Online dating takes persistence...don't give up so easily. If I can pick up the pieces of my heart and start over, so can you!

Bridget,

One more thing.

You wrote: "He explained he had no internet access in his apartment and he had 1000 things to do..."

I have gotten this line from Chinese women too. ;-)

Hi friends, thank you all for your encouragement and for clearing up my doubts.
One can never discern the true face of the Mountain Lu If one only looks out from within these hills---不识庐山真面目，只缘身在此山中.

Online dating is simply a means of meeting people who we could never otherwise meet (so true). It is only the first step in the Long March and all we need is more patience. Thank you, John. I am still here.

Peter is right that maybe he was just treating me as a close female friend. He had no intention to hurt me (of this I am sure), but it turned out I got hurt. I must point out here that most Chinese women here including me, except those looking for pen pals, treat online dating very seriously and a little bit desperately as women grow old so quickly. Yes, I should have asked him first if he would mind meeting someone not from Beijing in person. We all learn from experiences. Love won't be easy, rarely is.

I am sorry, anonymous friend, that you had same experience as mine. Online dating is not for the meek or the timid, we have to be strong emotionally --- I couldn't agree more. I want to add one point ---Be cruel. If you have no intention to form a long lasting relationship with someone, be clear about this from the start or ASAP, don't drag on. Be cruel to be kind.

Again, thank you all!

Wisely spoken. Online dating can only go so far. It is of utmost importance that the persons actually meet in real life before any type of deeper feelings or even love evolves. I know that this is sometimes not easy to accomplish but the rules should be established in the beginning. Unfortunately, a great number of Chinese women are not aware of the differences between online dating and meeting someone in real life. I am glad you point out some of these things. Hope this can serve as an example for others!

Bridget, it would really be good if you posted your experience in Chinese as it would greatly help other Chinese females. Most of them don't understand English too well and so they won't read your post. I know it might take a lot of courage to do that, but I think in the end you won't be losing face but instead gain more admiration for your courage.

Hi Bridget. From his correspondence that you quoted, it seems you were taking the relationship alot more seriously than he was. This is not your fault, it is just the way things were. We don't value the things we can have easily and I suspect that he saw you as too easy.

As far as the question of "Is online dating practicable?" I think it is but it is just one of many possibilities.

Good luck in your search!

Hi davedoyle, thank you for your suggestion. Maybe next time. :) I didn't realize most of them don't understand English. I assumed most of them know some English (more or less).

bmccull, yes, It's true that people often don't cherish things they can easily get. I wish I could play hard to get like it were still college time. But we can't afford to do so now. You know what I mean? right? Thank you for you wish, Good luck to you too!

This will shows that he is liar?

Online dating is the most practical tool to meet someone imo, especially that our real life coverage to meet someone is very limited (and more to people like me who are very private and rather shy.)

I also failed once with a girl I knew from CLM, but it didn't stop me, in fact, I came back stronger. Whatever don't kill us, makes us stronger right? Learn from the past, but keep going forward :)

"Life is like riding bicycle, you must keep balance you must keep moving." ~ Albert Einstein

Hi Bridgt,

Sorry for your story, but happy that we still have many decent people here to be friends.
Not that guy you hv mentioned of coz.

Keep on and you will find the one who really derserves you.

Hi yueji926, Indonesian79 and papaya192, thank you all. :)
May the new year bring you best luck in your search!

Hi Bridget, thanks for sharing your experience .
we as a woman tend to cherish everything that comes to our heart isn' it.
but I do admire you for your courage to tell you the story , look at the good side mean that he's not worth of your love
I can not say that online dating is practicable or not
but one thing that I believe if we keep searching the good one will come and find you